You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Shame - the story of my life.
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