If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
