i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
