Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
