Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
