I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
