So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize