And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
