you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
