I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize