It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
