so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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