I wish life had little blips of pornography
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize