Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
