When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
