Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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