Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
