and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
