need another drink. this is the easiest way
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
