I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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