Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
