No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
