I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
