This is not my ceiling
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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