Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I wanna passion pit in your ass
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
