life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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