Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
