I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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