I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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