It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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