from now on my penis is your penis
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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