1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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