we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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