Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
