I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize