Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
