I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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