you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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