I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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