R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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