I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
