M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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