i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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