i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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