It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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