I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
