Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
