I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
