She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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