I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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