now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
