yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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