If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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