remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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