All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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