Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
