Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
