I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
