as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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